Paramount Studios

Overture / Prologue

JOE (Voiceover):

I guess it was five a.m

A homicide had been reported

From one of those crazy mansions up on Sunset

Tomorrow every front page

Is going to lead with this story

You see an old time movie star is involved

Maybe the biggest star of all

But before you read about it

Before it gets distorted

By those Hollywood piranhas

If you wanna know the real facts

You've come to the right party

Let me take you back six months

I was at the bottom of the barrel

I'd had a contract down at Fox

But I'd fallen foul of Darryl

Now I had a date at Paramount

Along with about a thousand other writers

If it didn't come up roses

I'd be covering funerals

Back in Dayton, Ohio

I'd hidden my car three blocks away

Turned out to be a smart move

Let's Have Lunch 

JOE:

Hi there, Myron

MYRON:

How's it hanging?

JOE:

I've got a date with Sheldrake

MYRON:

I'm shooting a Western down at Fox

JOE:

How can you work with Darryl?

MYRON:

We should talk

JOE:

Gotta run

BOTH:

Let's have lunch

MARY:

Hi, Mr. Gillis

JOE:

You look great!

MARY:

I'm up for an audition

JOE:

Sheldrake is driving me insane

MARY:

Don't forget me when you're casting

JOE:

We should talk

MARY:

Gotta run

BOTH:

Let's have lunch

JOE:

Morning, Joanna

MARY:

Hi, there Myron

JOANNA:

Who are you meeting?

MYRON:

You look great

JOE:

Sheldrake, but do I need it

MARY:

I've spent the last month fasting

JOANNA:

I'm handing in my second draft

MYRON:

I'm shooting a Western down at Fox

JOE:

I'd really love to read it

MARY:

Don't forget me when you're casting

JOANNA:

We should talk

MYRON:

We should talk

JOE:

Gotta run

MARY:

Gotta run

ALL FOUR:

Let's have lunch

(spoken)

JOE:

Yeah, I had an appointment with Mr. Sheldrake

JONES:

Name?

JOE:

Gillis. Joseph Gillis

JONES:

All right, sir, you know your way?

JOE:

Yeah

(sung)

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

We want the keys to your car

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

You're way behind with the payments

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Don't give us any fancy footwork

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

Give us the keys

JOE:

I only wish I could help

I loaned it to my accountant

He has an important client down in Palm Springs

Felt like shooting the breeze

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Are you telling us you walked here?

JOE:

I believe in self-denial

I'm in training for the priesthood

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

O.K., wise guy, three hundred bucks

FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Or we're taking the car

SECOND FINANCEMAN:

We have a court order

JOE:

I love it when you talk dirty

SAMMY:

Bless you, Joseph

JOE:

That you, Sammy?

SAMMY:

How do you like my harem?

JOE:

How come you get such lousy breaks?

SAMMY:

One learns to grin and bear 'em

GIRLS:

This is the biggest film ever made

JOE:

What're you playing?

ANITA:

Temple virgin

DAWN:

Handmaiden to Delilah

JOE:

Let's have lunch

Gotta run

You've got to find me a job

I'm way behind with my payments

I thought you were meant to be my agent

I need some work

MORINO:

I only wish I could help

This town is dead at the moment

There's been this slowdown in production

JOE:

Who is this jerk?

MORINO:

He's my wunderkind from Broadway

Every major studio wants him

YOUNGER MAN:

Playing one against the other

JOE:

What I need is three hundred bucks

MORINO:

Maybe what you need is a new agent

JOE:

Hello, Artie

ARTIE:

Joe, you bastard!

JOE:

You never call me any more

ARTIE:

Found a cuter dancing partner

How are things?

JOE:

Not so great

ARTIE:

Will this help?

Twenty bucks?

JOE:

Thanks, you're a pal

ALL (spoken):

Good morning, Mr. DeMille

SHELDRAKE:

This is Sheldrake

Bring some water

Get me that shithead Nolan

Nolan, sweetheart

Great to talk

This draft is so much brighter

You're the best

Even so

I've hired another writer

(spoken)

SECRETARY:

Mr. Gillis

SHELDRAKE:

Joe! What the fuck brings you here?

JOE:

You wanted to see me

SHELDRAKE:

I did? What about?

JOE:

"Bases Loaded." It's an outline for a baseball picture

SHELDRAKE:

So, pitch

JOE:

It's about a rookie shortstop. He's batting .347. The kid was once mixed up in a holdup. Now he's trying to go straight

SHELDRAKE:

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I have read this

Somebody, bring in what we've got on...

JOE:

"Bases Loaded."

SHELDRAKE:

..."Bases Loaded."

JOE:

They're pretty hot for it over at Twentieth

SHELDRAKE:

Good!

JOE:

But can you see Ty Power as a shortstop?

ENSEMBLE:

Let's have lunch

BETTY:

Here's that "Bases Loaded" material, Mr. Sheldrake

I made a two-page synopsis for you, but I wouldn't bother to read it

SHELDRAKE:

Why not?

BETTY:

It's just a rehash of something that wasn't very good to begin with

SHELDRAKE:

Meet Mr. Gillis. He wrote it

ENSEMBLE:

We should talk

SHELDRAKE:

This is Miss Kramer

BETTY:

Schaefer. Betty Schaefer. And right now, I'd like to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me

JOE:

If I could be of any help...

BETTY:

I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis, I couldn't see the point of it

JOE:

What sort of material do you suggest? James Joyce? Dostoyevsky?

BETTY:

I think pictures should at least try to say a little something

JOE:

I see you're one of the message kids

I expect you'd have turned down "Gone With the Wind"

SHELDRAKE:

No, that was me

ENSEMBLE:

Gotta run

BETTY:

And I guess I was disappointed

I've read some of your other work and I thought you had some real talent

JOE:

Yeah, that was last year. This year I felt like eating

BETTY:

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Gillis

SHELDRAKE:

Thank you, Miss Kramer

Well, looks like Zanuck's got himself a baseball picture

(sung)

ENSEMBLE:

We should talk

Gotta run

Let's have lunch

JOE:

You've got to give me some work

I'll take whatever's on offer

There must be some shit that needs a rewrite

Throw it my way

SHELDRAKE:

I only wish I could help

There's no spare shit at the moment

Remember the greatest writers starved in garretts

Didn't care about pay

JOE:

Are you trying to be funny?

SHELDRAKE:

I believe in self-denial

Gives a man some moral backbone

JOE:

Can you loan me three hundred bucks?

SHELDRAKE:

I'm sorry, Gillis. Goodbye

JOE:

I just love Hollywood

MORINO:

Let's pencil Thursday morning

MYRON:

Morning, Joanna

CLIFF:

Where've you been hiding?

SAMMY:

Hi there, Lisa

MYRON:

How're you doing?

KATHERINE:

I hate this weather

CLIFF:

You look great

LIZ:

RKO are ok!

MARY:

What're you doing?

JOANNA:

You look great

GIRLS:

This is the biggest film ever made

CLIFF:

I'm trying to make my mind up

MARY:

Guess I was born to play her

DAWN:

What is my motivation?

JOANNA:

You look great

SAMMY:

They're talking nominations

LIZ:

You should go work for Warners

MYRON:

Is your new script with Sheldrake?

MORINO:

I'm very close to Sheldrake

ARTIE:

We shoot next month

SAMMY, SANDY, ARTIE, MORINO, MYRON:

Gotta run

JOHN:

Let's drive to Vegas this weekend

KATHERINE, JOANNA:

Let's have lunch

ANITA:

You look great

JOANNA:

I'm handing in my second draft

MARY:

It's between me and Dietrich

KATHERINE:

I've landed a big Broadway show

ADAM:

I'm gonna work for Metro

CLIFF:

Let's have lunch

MARY:

Let's have lunch

GIRLS:

Let's have lunch, this is the biggest film ever made

MYRON:

I'd really love to read it

CLIFF:

I'd know just how to light you

JOHN:

Let's have lunch

JOHN & LISA:

It won't work

MORINO:

Let's pencil Thursday morning

GROUP 1:

We should talk

GROUP 2:

Gotta run

ALL:

Let's have lunch!

Hi, good morning

Aren't we lucky?

Going to work with Cukor

Paramount is paradise

Movies from A to Zukor

We should talk, gotta run

GROUP 1:

Let's have lunch

GROUP 2:

We should talk

GROUP 1:

Gotta run

GROUP 2:

Gotta run

ALL:

Let's have lunch!

JOE (spoken), to BETTY:

Come to get your knife back? It's still right there, right between my shoulder blades.

Every Movie's a Circus

BETTY:

I read

One of your stories

Wasn't it Scribner's

Some magazine

Title -

Something with windows

JOE:

It was "Blind Windows"

If that's what you mean

BETTY:

That's right

I really liked it

JOE:

I'm all warm and runny inside

BETTY:

Let me pitch it to Sheldrake

JOE:

I may be broke

But I still have my pride

BETTY:

Come on

Get off your high horse

Writers with pride don't live in L.A

Silence

Exile and cunning

Those are the only cards you can play

JOE:

Sheldrake won't buy this story

He likes trash with fairy lights

Jesus, think of the effort

Trying to get him to heighten his sights

BETTY:

Every movie's a circus

Can't we discuss this

Schwab's Thursday night?

JOE:

What for?

Nothing will happen

I gotta go now

Fight the good fight

BETTY:

What's the rush?

JOE:

See those gorillas?

BETTY:

Yes, what about them?

JOE:

Do me a terrific favor

Keep them amused while I escape

BETTY:

If you're at Schwab's on Thursday

JOE (spoken):

Done. Look, those guys are after my car. If I lose that in this town, it's like having my legs cut off

BETTY (spoken):

Let's duck into the soundstage

[FIRST FINANCEMAN:

Come on, Gillis, give us the keys

BETTY (spoken):

Shhh! Please be quiet, Mr. DeMille is shooting right over there

FIRST FINANCEMAN (spoken):

So what?

BETTY (spoken):

He's working on "Samson and Delilah" - they're doing a red-hot scene with Hedy Lamarr. You want to stay and watch?

FIRST FINANCEMAN (spoken):

No

SECOND FINANCEMAN (spoken):

Relax, we got five minutes