Henry Street a Divadlo Thomasa Keeneyho

If a Girl Isn't Pretty

MRS. STRAKOSH:

If a girl isn't pretty

Like a Miss Atlantic City

All she gets from life

Is pity and a pat

Kindly name a star who hasn't

Won a contest or a pageant

If she hasn't she just never gets to bat

MRS. MEEKER:

She must shine in every detail

Like a ring you're buying retail

Be a standard size that

Fits a standard dress

MRS. STRAKOSH:

When a girl's incidentals

Are no bigger than two lentils

FANNY (spoken):

Really, Mrs. Strakosh?!

MRS. STRAKOSH & MRS. MEEKER:

Then to me it doesn't spell success

MRS. BRICE:

From two faces that could cause ya

To have temporary nausea

Do I have to hear a lecture such as that?

Is a nose with deviation

Such a crime against the nation?

Should I throw her into jail or drown the cat?

So she's built a bit off balance

She possesses golden talents

Or is that a pill to bitter to digest?

(spoken)

Ignore the dragons, Fannele

FANNY:

Don't you worry, Mrs. Strakosh

One day the whole world will look at me and be... stunned!

MRS. BRICE:

So go!

Toi toi toi

And break a leg!

EDDIE:

From the top!

5, 6, 7, 8

Come on, girls

Arms!

Good job, girls

Come on, Fanny

Get in there just like we practiced!

There you go, Fanny

Go to it, Fanny

Come on and bring it over here!

MR. KEENEY:

Hey, you in the bloomers!

FANNY:

Yes, Mr. Keeney?

MR. KEENEY:

What are you doing there?

FANNY:

Dancing!

MR. KEENEY:

Well, go and do it somewheres else

You're fired

EDDIE:

Come on, boss!

MR. KEENEY:

What's with the ringer?

You owe somebody a favor?

EDDIE:

It seemed like a funny idea!

MR. KEENEY:

I pay comics for laughs

I pay chorus girls for... something else

(sung)

If a girl isn't pretty

Like a Miss Atlantic City

She should dump the stage

And try another route

FANNY (spoken):

Listen, I know I'm no dancer but-

MR. KEENEY:

Any guy who pays a quarter

For a seat just feels he oughta

See a figure that his wife can't substitute

FANNY (spoken):

Oh, come on!

MR. KEENEY:

If a girl ain't perfection

You better take up a collection

Every girl must be a dazzler and a beaut

EDDIE:

She's got very nice deportment

FANNY (spoken):

Thank you, Eddie

MR. KEENEY:

But when they see that assortment

(SOMEBODY)

From the gallery they'll be throwing fruit!

FANNY (spoken):

Who asked you?!

ALL:

If a girl isn't pretty

If a girl isn't pretty

If a girl isn't pretty

If a girl isn't pretty

If a girl isn't pretty

She should get a job

Go get a job

Get any job

Get a weekly pay!

GIRLS:

'Cause if a girl isn't pretty

Like a Miss Atlantic City

ALL:

She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A!

I'm the Greatest Star

FANNY:

Listen, I got 36 expressions

Sweet as pie to tough as leather

And that's six expressions more than all them Barrymores put together

Instead of just kicking me why don't they give me a lift?

I think it's a plot

'Cause they're scared that I got... such a gift

Well, I'm miffed

'Cause I'm the greatest star

I am by far!

But no one knows it

Wait, they're gonna hear a voice

A silver flute (ah-ah ooh, ah-ah ooh)

They'll cheer each toot

(spoken - Hey, that kid is terrific, huh?)

When I expose it

Now can't you see to look at me

That I'm a natural Camille

As Camille I just feel

I've so much to offer

(spoken - Hey, listen kid I know I'd be divine because)

I'm a natural cougher (ah ooh, ah eeh, ah ooh)

Some ain't got it, not a lump

I'm a great big clump of talent

Laugh! (Ha ha ha ha ha)

They'll bend in half

(spoken - You ever hear the story of the traveling salesman?)

A thousand jokes

(spoken - Stick around for the jokes)

A thousand faces

I reiterate

When you're gifted, then you're gifted

These are facts

I've got no axe to grind

Hey, what are they, blind?

In all of the world so far

I'm the greatest star

Who is the pip with pizzazz?

Who is all ginger and jazz?

Who is as glamorous as?

Who's an American beauty rose?

With an American beauty nose?

And ten American beauty toes?

Eyes on the target and wham!

One shot, one gun shot and bam!

Hey Mister Ziegfeld!

Here I am!

I'm the greatest star

I am by far

But no one knows it

That's why I was born

I'll blow my horn

'Till someone blows it

I'll light up like a light

Right up like a light

I'll flicker then flare up

All the world's gonna stare up

Looking down you'll never see me

Try the sky cause that'll be me

I can make 'em cry

I can make 'em sigh

Someday they'll clamor for my drama

Have ya guessed yet

Who's the best yet?

If you ain't, I'll tell ya one more time

You'll bet your last dime

In all of the world so far

I am the greatest, greatest star!

Eddie's Tap (iba orchester)

Cornet Man

FANNY:

Well

(sung)

The lady ain't been born

Can take the place of a horn

With a cornet man

A-goin' where there's blowin'

Travellin' cornet man

Just anytime they call him

He'll leave his wife and kiddies

Sitting with their tongues out

To play for peanuts in a dive

And blow his lungs out

He'll hop a choo-choo on a moment's notice

To play some dates with Billy Bates

And Rag-time Otis

The lady ain't seen light

Can give the horn a fair fight (Oh hi!)

With a cornet man

A rootin', shootin', ever-tootin' Dapper Dan

Who carries in his satchel

A powder-blue Norfolk suit

A silver-platеd wah-wah mute

There's-a whiskеy, gamblin'

Each one's a curse

But I'm up against a devil that's worse

Yes, his horn's my thorn

He's my travellin' cornet man

(spoken)

Pick it up, Ottessa!

I'm Fanny by the way, nice to meet ya

Boy, are you gorgeous!

I know this part!

My mama taught me this one

My daddy taught me this one

Back it up, boys

I'm takin' us home!

(sung)

A powder-blue Norfolk suit

A silver-plated wah-wah mute

'Cause, he's shy on height

He's short on weight

But he's the only guy to make my coffee percolate

Dapper Dan

My cornet-playin' man!